Monday 29 August 2011

The challenge of getting back to business

If you read my blog, you know that I had a baby. You should also be well aware of the "normal procedure" required to get pregnant: sex, intercourse, love making, fornicating, the birds and the bees! Some of you might think that this post might be a little too personal but, again, I said that my blog would be honest and any subject can be discuss as long as it is done properly...especially since my mother reads my blog!

When I was pregnant, I often encountered local advertisements for informal group counsellings about post pregnancy sexuality. Every single time, I said to myself : "Really? You had a baby so obviously you know how it works! What kind of weirdos attend those activities?".

Tomorrow, Alice will be 5 months old and I now understand why such activities exist. It turns out that getting back to business can be pretty complex!

After I gave birth, I lost blood for approximately 6 weeks. I had a 2 weeks break and got my IUD installed. For your information, an IUD can also cause bleeding. In my case, it lasted exactly 1 month. I told Dan that if after 30 days I was still bleeding, I would get that glorified florist wire removed and he would get a vasectomy! The vasectomy never happened and I still have my IUD.

Alice was at the time 3 months old, her crib was (still) in our bedroom, we were (still) doing co-sleeping..and her vision was getting much better! Is it me or all those things are major mood killer? Add the fact that at the end of the day, the only thing I want to do is to get in bed...and sleep until Alice gets hungry at 5am.

On a less logistical aspect, when I became a mother, an intense emotional attachment with my baby was created. As wonderful as it is, this emotional attachment can also have a negative effect on the relationship (aka sexuality) of the "old couple" (high school sweethearts) that we are. Dan and I often jokes that dogs think one word at the time (food food food, play play play, sniff-butt sniff-butt sniff-butt). If I was a dog my constant thought would be Alice Alice Alice.

At the moment, I'm trying to find the right balance between our role as parents and our role as husband and wife (wow, that sounds so cheesy but what can I say).

This morning, I took a big breath and decided to write this post because I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one in that tricky situation. Having a baby requires a lot of adjustments and feeling guilty because I unintentionally neglect my (I will say it) sex life won't do me any good.

As they say, the first step is admitting that you have a problem. Now, what is the second step?

If you want to leave me a comment but are too shy (totally understandable) you are always welcome to write me an email at

UPDATE: Lina sent me this super funny video that is totally related to my problem!!!

note: Alice received this morning by the mail a super awesome wood rattle from future mama Tiffany. Thank you "sister", you are the best! xoxoxoxox

* * * * *

shine little light*: Thank you so much!

one claire day: It was a surprise for me when I looked at my Google Reader that day :)


Kara said...

Tell me about it! I'm in the same boat, and my baby is muuuuuch older than darling Alice. I kept hoping my drive would just come back full force, but it hasn't yet. Wtf? Co-sleeping and nursing (feeling like my boobs are utilitatian devices these days) are mood-killers for sure. but it's like I just forget about sex - it's not on my mind at all, much to the dismay of my husband. Sigh.....
I guess talking about it at least gets it back on my mind. Thanks for braving this topic. I'm interested to hear what others think.

courtney said...

sounds like the lady needs a drink! :)

Unknown said...

I think a lack of sex funk can happen in any relationship, baby or least from my experience. I found great inspiration in the book Spousonomics. Basically it boils down to some sex (however unromantic and such) is better than no sex in a committed long term relationship. To take the pressure off, release the idea that it has to be an awesome mind blowing experience had by all. Even okay sex is better than nothing, its not like you don't know your partner and you can always work up to those amazing connections again. Oh and getting in a quick session before dinner/shower/at a weird time might work better than putting all the pressure on at night in bed. (I am SO glad my mom wont be reading this ;) Really the book is great, I totally recommend and I am not a self help/relationship book kinda gal.

Lina said...

No advice to offer really Claudia apart from it's totally normal, it just takes time. For me it was a boob thing - I couldn't feel remotely sexy all the while thinking that my baby drinks milk from these!!!

Lina said...

PS Your blog post title totally made me think of this:

Clairsy said...

teehee, I could totally never write about anything like this on my blog - my mum, her friends and my aunts read it!! haha.
I wasn't really aware of this issue - I mean i'd heard the jokes that once you have kids it's all over - until we got given a pamphlet in our birth class. It was really just a whole lot of quotes from new mums and it made for some frightening reading! Aargh!!
Plenty of people have more than one child so they must have done it at least once after the birth of the first, haha.

Lila said...

It's a hard time reconciling mum-you and lover-you, it takes a lot of patience and talking, not the same as pre baby sex for sure.
I also think that our body image can have a lot to do with how we can combine all the aspects of ourselves.

sara said...

Tu m'enlèves les mots de la bouche! Je comprends complètement puisque je me trouve plus ou moins dans la même situation. J'ai tout de même l'impression que l'allaitement y est pour beaucoup (ma sage femme m'avait bien dit que d'un point de vue hormonal, l'allaitement "tue" la libido). Rajoute à cela un bébé qui dort à 30 cm de ta face et une douce odeur de couche sale émanant de la table à langer, et talaaaaa, bienvenue dans l'univers totalement asexué des jeunes parents! Pour ma part, une autre raison est que je ne me trouve pas du tout sexy, de 1 parceque tout mon être est dévoué à mon fils, et 2, parceque je n'ai pas retrouvé ma forme physique, mon "corps" avant-bébé. Ça joue aussi beaucoup...

taryn said...

i wish i had to worry about this! hahaha, oh.. sad. on the bright side, there's no pressure at all? is that a bright side?

i love your photos of alice. she looks like such a little character, so super cute!

bugheart said...

i think that
it's awesome
that you
write about
these topics!
i don't know
what it will
be like
post-baby delivery
but i worry about
it a lot.
so i like
to hear what
others have
gone through...

peanut said...

Thanks for this post. It's something I've always wondered about.

Taryn - just in case you check back here - please know my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you might be in a similar position to us and I know how frustrating things can be. If it is helpful know that, while no one really talks about it much, you are most definitely not alone.

emily said...

thanks for bringing this up! we just reached the ok-to-go point and, like kara said, i just don't really think about it or even forget about since i am so busy keeping my act together with ramona. i want to be intimate but have never felt so unsexy or tired in my life. the LAST thing i want to do, much to the chagrin of my lovely husband, is get down and dirty at the end of the day. but, as new duds mentioned, it is so important to have at least some intimacy, even if it's not up to par with pre-baby.

all i know for now: we need to invest in some good lube.

Jennifer said...

Two glasses of wine.

Jennifer said...

Sleep has been my biggest hurdle. I love it more than just about anything and I don't get enough of it anymore -- and it's never uninterrupted! What I wouldn't give for 10 straight hours of sleep....

Getting busy is also an issue because we bed share... kind of. Guy spends the first half of the night in his crib and then when he wakes up in the middle of the night (midnight-4am) I just put him in bed with us.

A larger issue we face is the lack of spontaneity. Sex basically has to be planned now, which takes out some of the fun.

Paola Zakimi said...

Oh, this is a good point to start an french animal alphabet! need help!
(thank you for post my drawings)
love <3